Heavy

This week has been one of the heaviest I've faced in a very, very long time.  It hasn't been all bad, but it has been emotional.

On Monday I was approached by my Deaf Ed admin asking if I would be willing to fill a vacancy on our other elementary campus.  We are desperately understaffed at the moment, and we had yet another teacher have to leave through no fault of hers.  Life has twists and turns, and hers took a turn.  Even though it would take me away from my current students, these students probably needed me more.  At the end of the day, it was my decision to make, but I only had until Wednesday to make it.  The pros and cons list was frustratingly equal with no obvious answer.

Tuesday I stayed home because...grad school.  As hard as I tried, I fell behind.  I am almost never absent, and to do what needed to be done I knew I would need the whole day.  And it did.  I worked, and I thought about what to do.

Wednesday I was about to ready to leave when my dog jumped off the bed and started yelping in pain.  Last year she had a a back issue bad enough that I thought I might be saying goodbye.  She was put on pain meds and healed.  Since she was doing so much better, I decided against expensive testing.  Those issues came back this week, although it wasn't quite as bad as last time, thankfully.  This time I did have x-rays done.  We know what's wrong.  To cure it would require surgery, but the pain can be managed through medicine and she can have a great life that way.  So that's what I'm doing.  I'm a teacher...back surgery for a dog just isn't in my budget!

Taking care of the dog did take my Wednesday morning, so as I drove to work around noon, I was thinking about praying about my decision.  On the way to work I decided I would make the move.  It is going to be hard in so many ways, but I decided it was the best and right thing to do.  But it was with a very heavy heart, and I was a wreck the rest of the day.  I love my students as if they were own, and the thought of leaving them was heart-wrenching.

Today (Thursday) I started by doing a video for my grad school class.  I had to pull them during their large group time, which I hated, but I didn't have an option.  The lesson plan was written over 6 weeks time and submitted in parts multiple times.  It was written with this group in mind and approved for video.  It is due next week, but next week is our Spring Break.  On top of that, I made plans to go to my new school to observe what they currently do to try to make the transition as smooth as possible.  I will say, with everything going on, it was not my best teaching moment.  Hopefully it wasn't my worst, and I did good enough to get by.  I was lucky to not start crying during the video as I had been all morning. 

After doing the video, I told them that I would no longer be their teacher after Spring Break.  The moment I started speaking, I choked up.  They were so confused!  Even after I explained it, they were confused and asked me when I was coming back.  I have been absent so much this week that they thought it was just another absence.  So I told them I wasn't, but that I would be going to their graduation.  Then they asked if I would be at the 5th grade party.  I had to tell them no, although I assured them it wouldn't matter because they aren't even going to be paying attention to the teachers because they will be having too much fun.

Then I left yet again to go observe my new students.  They have challenges, and I needed to see what was being done now to make the transition as smooth as possible.  I continued the crying trend.  I've always been a crier, but this has been extreme even for me.  It has just been too much.  On top of all of that, I am also having some issues with a more personal matter that have been weighing on me.    It has just been too much.  But I know it's just a moment, and it will pass.  I will settle in, and I will love my students just as much as the ones I have now.  But for this moment, I cry.