Just Breathe

I have always been a go, go, go kind of person, and my divorce didn't help that.  I NEEDED to stay busy all the time.  Otherwise, the thoughts would creep in.  Once that started, it was a downward spiral every time.  So I didn't let it.  Stay busy.  Never slow down.  Multitask at all times.  Never rest.  Now I'm in a better place, but I still don't stop.  Ever.  Today I came as close as I ever do, though.  I finished a fun book.  I played a favorite game.  I watched a Hallmark movie and WAY too many episodes of The Great British Baking Show.  I also went to the post office, got an oil change, repacked some boxes for my campus move, and cooked a turkey.  So...progress.  Working on blance.  Finding time to breathe.

It's a Miracle!

Thanks to Spring Break, a miracle has occurred:  I am finished with all grad school work for the week--on Tuesday!

(I had to choose the panda.  Like every other Amanda, I grew up with the nickname Amanda Panda.  So a panda doing a happy dance just seemed appropriate.)

Being An Adult

I am inordinately proud of myself today.  I am extremely non-confrontational.  I am a people pleaser and just want everyone to be happy--often at my expense.  I have had an issue in my personal life that has actually been causing me to lose sleep.  Even worse, it has caused bad feelings towards someone I like quite a bit.  Rather than addressing issues head-on, I've been letting them fester.  So today enough was enough.  I decided to use this issue as a growth opportunity and finally had that hard conversation.  And it turns out, it wasn't so hard after all!  The problem is resolved, at least for now, and I know that if something comes up in the future it is better to address it with clarity.  As my friend told me going into this, "clarity is kindness."

Indulgences

Today was a lazy day.  Spring Break officially starts tomorrow, and while I have quite the to do list ahead of me, I took the time to just rest for a bit. I went to church, which I enjoyed more than I can remember for a long time, and then I came home with my whole afternoon/evening ahead of me with nothing critically important to do. I have decided that there is nothing quite as indulgent as an afternoon nap.  Mine was longer than I had intended, and I probably thoroughly messed up my sleep schedule and will have to pay that piper, but it felt SO GOOD!  Then I played a game on my iPad for a little bit and actually read a book for fun.  I wasn't sure if I'd remember how to read for fun!   Overall a nice "recharge" day for the busy week ahead of me. 

No More Tears

As I read down the list of blog titles for the past week, I realized I was rather focused on tears.  Funny that I didn't notice it while writing, and in my defense, one of those posts did include happy tears as well.  Still--enough of that.  I got through my last day, and now I'm feeling ready to take on the challenges ahead of me with hope and optimism.  And find other things to write about.  So with that in mind...

I just finished watching the last season The Great British Baking Show on Netflix.  Every time I watch a season, I feel like I should start saying words like "chuffed" and "crack on."  Although, when I was talking about this at work and said chuffed, it just didn't sound right.  One definitely needs the accent, I think.  This also brings up an essential question for my life:  Now that I've gone through all the seasons, what do I do next???  I'm leaning towards rewatching.  :)

I went searching for a video of season 9 Ruby saying "crack on," just because I loved it so much.  Then I found this instead.  It's two of my favorite worlds colliding, and I just had to share.  And so I present to you:  Studio C Bake Off!

Packing Up and Moving On

It's hard sometimes to know if you made the right decision or not.  As I prepare to move to a new campus and take on new students in March of all times, questioning is probably inevitable.  I have cried for almost three days straight now.  I'm not even sure why.  I kept telling people at school today that I'm carrying on like someone I love has died.  Just ridiculous!  But I think when your world is turned upside in the span of 3 days, there just isn't enough processing time.  Thankfully, we are going into Spring Break, and I will get that much-needed time.  And with my last day behind me, I'm already gearing up mentally to face the considerable challenges ahead of me and just rock it.  So, the classroom pack up has begun, and it is time to move forward.

(If you're confused, read the previous post.  ;) )

Heavy

This week has been one of the heaviest I've faced in a very, very long time.  It hasn't been all bad, but it has been emotional.

On Monday I was approached by my Deaf Ed admin asking if I would be willing to fill a vacancy on our other elementary campus.  We are desperately understaffed at the moment, and we had yet another teacher have to leave through no fault of hers.  Life has twists and turns, and hers took a turn.  Even though it would take me away from my current students, these students probably needed me more.  At the end of the day, it was my decision to make, but I only had until Wednesday to make it.  The pros and cons list was frustratingly equal with no obvious answer.

Tuesday I stayed home because...grad school.  As hard as I tried, I fell behind.  I am almost never absent, and to do what needed to be done I knew I would need the whole day.  And it did.  I worked, and I thought about what to do.

Wednesday I was about to ready to leave when my dog jumped off the bed and started yelping in pain.  Last year she had a a back issue bad enough that I thought I might be saying goodbye.  She was put on pain meds and healed.  Since she was doing so much better, I decided against expensive testing.  Those issues came back this week, although it wasn't quite as bad as last time, thankfully.  This time I did have x-rays done.  We know what's wrong.  To cure it would require surgery, but the pain can be managed through medicine and she can have a great life that way.  So that's what I'm doing.  I'm a teacher...back surgery for a dog just isn't in my budget!

Taking care of the dog did take my Wednesday morning, so as I drove to work around noon, I was thinking about praying about my decision.  On the way to work I decided I would make the move.  It is going to be hard in so many ways, but I decided it was the best and right thing to do.  But it was with a very heavy heart, and I was a wreck the rest of the day.  I love my students as if they were own, and the thought of leaving them was heart-wrenching.

Today (Thursday) I started by doing a video for my grad school class.  I had to pull them during their large group time, which I hated, but I didn't have an option.  The lesson plan was written over 6 weeks time and submitted in parts multiple times.  It was written with this group in mind and approved for video.  It is due next week, but next week is our Spring Break.  On top of that, I made plans to go to my new school to observe what they currently do to try to make the transition as smooth as possible.  I will say, with everything going on, it was not my best teaching moment.  Hopefully it wasn't my worst, and I did good enough to get by.  I was lucky to not start crying during the video as I had been all morning. 

After doing the video, I told them that I would no longer be their teacher after Spring Break.  The moment I started speaking, I choked up.  They were so confused!  Even after I explained it, they were confused and asked me when I was coming back.  I have been absent so much this week that they thought it was just another absence.  So I told them I wasn't, but that I would be going to their graduation.  Then they asked if I would be at the 5th grade party.  I had to tell them no, although I assured them it wouldn't matter because they aren't even going to be paying attention to the teachers because they will be having too much fun.

Then I left yet again to go observe my new students.  They have challenges, and I needed to see what was being done now to make the transition as smooth as possible.  I continued the crying trend.  I've always been a crier, but this has been extreme even for me.  It has just been too much.  On top of all of that, I am also having some issues with a more personal matter that have been weighing on me.    It has just been too much.  But I know it's just a moment, and it will pass.  I will settle in, and I will love my students just as much as the ones I have now.  But for this moment, I cry.

Empty

  Have you ever had so much going on that your brain just collapses under the weight of all the thoughts and you have none left?  That is how I feel tonight.  I have changes at work, a hurt dog, grad school (always grad school!), and some personal issues that require me to do something I do not like to do--confront.  And now the clock is staring me down, telling me I simply must go to bed in 30 minutes. Sitting down to write in this condition is borderline impossible.  More will be coming.  There is much to explain.  But for now...I am empty.

Questionable Life Choices

I almost forgot my blog post today.  It is 8:57 pm, and my goal was to be in bed by 9:00.  Yikes!  Out of necessity, this will be a shorter one.

Tomorrow I have a final project due for one of my grad school classes.  This has led me to an essential question:  Why do these projects have SO MANY PARTS?!?  This program is designed for those who want to be literacy coaches or, in my case, just want to become better reading and writing teachers.  So why do they assign us projects that are not real-world realistic? This particular assignment has taken me probably 10 hours to complete.  In a nutshell, it is a handout/book talk video about a content area book that can be used in the classroom.  For another class, I did a lesson plan that took me five hours to write.  FIVE HOURS!!!  WHY?!?  How is this going to be help in my job now or in possible future positions?  It's insanity, I tell you,  Insanity!  Why did I choose to pay for torture?!? Just a semester-and-a-half to go...

Teaching Beyond the Curriculum

I love the wider reach that Slice of Life is giving me.  When I "rebooted" my blog a couple of years ago, I had hoped it would be something that people could find, read, relate to, and enjoy.  Maybe this challenge is that dream coming to fruition.  Due to the new readers that are finding their way here, old friends, please forgive me as I lay down some background knowledge that is needed before getting to my point.

I teach Deaf Education.  I am currently assigned to upper elementary, and I love it.  Honestly, that's an understatement.  It's my passion.  It gave (and continues to give) meaning to my life when everything I held most dear was destroyed. I taught General Education for five years, and I struggled.  I walked away from teaching convinced I would never return.  Little did I know that not only would I go back, I would wake up eager to go to work every day.  Okay, most days.  I do get tired by the end of the week!  I also didn't know that I would become an absolute teaching nerd.  I soak in all things Professional Development and seek to improve myself at all times.  What a path my life has taken!

This job is not without significant challenges, though.  The one that drives everything else is the fact that most of our students do not have parents that know sign.   One of the basic principles of teaching English learners is that you use their first language to build a bridge to their second.  Our students need to learn English, but they do not have even a first language.  They are semilingual.  

The impacts of this are far reaching, and if I listed them all I would be writing all night.  And I was supposed to be in bed 40 minute ago.  Suffice it to say that as a Deaf Ed teacher, you are often faced with difficult decisions that reach far beyond the curriculum.  For example, with this utterly insane Momo business and other dangerous YouTube influences disguised as children's fare, you have to face the question of, "What do I talk to my students about because their parents can't?"  Instructions for suicide.  Porn embedded in "Paw Patrol."  It's a scary digital world, and how do you guide our most innocent through that when it really should be in the parents' purview?  What is appropriate in an elementary school setting?  How much do they need to know?  These are students who spend their hours outside of school in front of a screen due to language barriers.  How do you protect them without scaring them?  It is a difficult road to walk.

This massive responsibility is not all dark and depressing, though.  Today held a bright spot.  I have students more advanced than many we see, and they are beginning to encounter English words and phrases that do not have signs.  They must use other ASL grammatical constructs to convey the meaning of these words and phrases.  This where not having a first language becomes really problematic.  But it can also be very fun to open the door to their linguistic and cultural birthright.  I wish I had a Deaf adult who could do this part for me, as it is their language and my students need those role models.  But in the absence of that, I get to take just five or ten minutes a day to start teaching them about their language.  It truly is a joy to open the world to them.  Sometimes, it is important to take the long view and realize teaching is not only about curriculum.

How Many Times Can I Say I'm Sorry For the Same Thing?

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry I haven't written.  It is probably the fifty millionth time I've said.  I'm not sure how many times I can beg forgiveness for the same sin and have it granted.  It's not you.  It's me.  You wouldn't know it, but I love writing it.  Truly, I do.  The problem is, you never make it to the top of the priority list.  And it is SUCH a long list!  Grad school is just killing me.  I know so many teachers who have done it and done it with kids.  I'm not sure how.  I want kids.  I plan to adopt kids once this is over.  But I am grateful I don't have kids while doing grad school.  I might not have survived!

All that being said, I've decided to add something new to my mile-high plate:  The Slice of Life Challenge.  If a teacher wants to be a skilled teacher of writing, he/she should write along with the students.  To this end, this challenge was created.  For the next month, I will be writing every day.  Can you believe it?  Every day!  Hopefully this will be the start of some better blogging habits.  And so I say sorry once again, but this time I have made a commitment to do better.  A commitment that could involve a prize (if I'm so lucky), which at least will keep me focused.  Which is always a good thing.  So we'll be seeing a lot of each other this month and hopefully onward!

Your wayward author,
Amanda