We All Need Saving

If you couldn't tell, I gave up on my daily post competition.  Life has gotten just a little too crazy, and I had to let some things go.  It wasn't worth the added stress in my life.  However, I do enjoy writing for this humble little blog and I enjoyed that the competition pushed me to do it with regularity.  I've missed it in the past month or so.  And today I had an experience at church that has me feeling compelled to avoid the onerous task of doing my taxes for just a few more minutes (it's April 14th!!!) and share my thoughts.

Today in Relief Society (my church's women's organization that meets on Sundays twice a month) we talked about mental health.  I knew it was going to be a doozy of a day and that I should have worn makeup.  I did anyway--stupid.  Anyway, I survived that, but it left me with the thought that every woman in there has a story to tell but we often don't get the opportunity or feel secure enough with the people around us to do so.  I have never been shy about sharing mine.  It's why I started my blog.  But when I "rebooted" it to try to move away from SO MANY POSTS about my divorce and the fallout and into more positive territory, I deleted my story as well.  (Don't worry.  I printed everything first!)  

Positivity is a worthwhile goal, and one that is very hard for me.  It's important to me to try to make this blog, if not more positive, at least less focused on an event that happened over 5 years ago.  But I do want to take this time to briefly share my story specifically so that the women in my ward (a congregation) and in my life can know me better and maybe feel more empowered to share their own stories.  I am not going to do a deep dive into all the issues, and I am going to try to do this with respect for my ex.   Our stories are intertwined, so explaining who I am does involve sharing a bit about him.  I will not use his name, and I hope to maintain a proper tone.

My marriage failed due to a mental health disorder.  My ex suffered from...something.  At one point he was diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder, but then another therapist said that those with SPD NEVER get married so that can't be it.  Whether that is the correct label or not is something I will never know in this lifetime.  As human beings, we want to categorize and label.  It helps us make sense of the world.  Not knowing has truly been one of the hardest things I have endured and continue to endure.  However, it has to be enough to know that whether that is it or not, he certainly checks off enough boxes for them to at least consider it.  The symptoms are:

• Prefer being alone and choose to do activities alone
• Don't want or enjoy close relationships
• Feel little if any desire for sexual relationships
• Feel like you can't experience pleasure
• Have difficulty expressing emotions and reacting appropriately to situations
• May seem humorless, indifferent or emotionally cold to others
• May appear to lack motivation and goals
• Don't react to praise or critical remarks from others

The only one that doesn't fit is the last one.  Additionally, he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and on medication for a time.  (He eventually stopped taking it.)  As you can imagine, that would make for a difficult marriage.  The signs started showing up the very first day and only got worse.  He was my best friend, and he would often tell me I was his only real friend.  There were good times.  But it was HARD.  The only way I was getting through it was by holding to the promise of our covenants and perfected bodies in the eternities.  In the end, he decided he was holding me back and filed for divorce.

Now, it is pretty hard to argue with his logic.  Our marriage was not truly a marriage, and my spiritual development was also being stifled.  I see that now.  But I absolutely did not want that divorce.  Truthfully, even though it was a toxic and abusive relationship, I still don't want the divorce. I fought it every step of the way.  In the end I lost.  At that point, I moved back in with my parents in Texas to recover and figure out what my next steps were.  I also had hopes I was moving to an area with a good singles program as it is the 4th biggest city in the nation.  I thought it certainly had to be better than Augusta, Georgia!

When I got here, I spent a few months licking wounds and then threw myself into singles.  I helped plan church-sponsored activities as well as personal ones.  I knew I wanted to meet someone who would help me achieve my spiritual goals as well as my temporal ones, and I figured the only way I could do that was be in places where that kind of man would be.  And if those places didn't exist, I needed to create them.  I did this for years, but the truth is, the singles here (and pretty much everywhere else from what I've come to learn) struggle with activity and just don't go to things.  I put my heart and soul into activities that had poor attendance almost every time.  And of those that did attend, the ratio of men to women was typically 1:3 at best.  I tried online dating many times.  That has been a disappointment as well.  I have had one date in 5 1/2 years.  It was a completely platonic date by admission for both of us, and he is now married.  Admittedly, I am quite awkward around the opposite sex.  I have some seriously painful stories.  So I am not a completely passive victim.  But statistically it is a truth that I have painfully few options, so I am coming to accept that reality in my life.  I now concentrate on my female friendships, grad school, and my work.

I also have suffered spiritually.  There are times when I have had wonderful, affirming experiences.  But depression for me is numbness, and the Spirit has a hard time getting through if you are closed off from feeling.  I struggle to want to read my scriptures, say my prayers, or go to the temple, which are probably the most important things I could doing to get out of this.  The truth is, though, I don't want to feel.  Feeling hurts.  Numb is better.  Also, those things take work, and I am just so tired.  If I actually am doing those things, invariably  a time will hit where I'm not doing those things and I feel absolutely worthless in my failure.  It is hard to start trying again when you feel worthless.  It's also hard to hear people talk about how much comfort and help they've received doing these things when I feel like every time I try I hear and feel absolutely nothing.  That brings me back to feeling worthless all over again.  To add to that, I teach young women in my church or give talks and stand there feeling like a hypocrite the entire time.  Added worthlessness.

The funny thing is, until a couple of weeks ago I thought I was over my depression.  It wasn't until a talk at Time Out for Women and a connection to a recent event that I realized I absolutely am still knee-deep in it.  In the talk, the speaker mentioned how hard it is to feel the Spirit when depressed.  A couple of weeks before that, I had gone to the temple with family names for the first time every.  Everyone who has ever talked about taking family names has testified of how much more powerful it is to do work for your own progenitors.  I knew I needed that Spirit, so I was really looking forward to it.  So I went, I did it, and I felt...nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  It is hard to express how absolutely and irredeemably broken that has made me feel.  And the temple of all places is not supposed to do that!  Which then furthers the cycle of feeling worthless.  It. Just. Doesn't. Stop.  So when I heard that talk, even though it was nothing new to me, it really hit.

So here I am.  Depressed.  Self-medicating with busyness.  Never stop.  Take on more, always.  Never allow silence EVER. It's the only way to keep self-destructive thoughts at bay, and if I fail at that they will take hold and NEVER let go.  This is how I am living my life right now, and I didn't even realize I was doing it until recently.  I also don't know how to stop, so I just keep plugging away and hope things will get better.  Someday.

Despite all of this, I truly do want to be more positive.  But I bare my soul and go down the negative path for a bit in an effort to let others know they are not alone.  I believe the best way to get through this refiner's fire is through the love, support, and friendship of others.  And I don't mean the superficial friendship we often have at church where we have five minute at most to say hello and so when asked how we're doing, all we say is, "Good.  How about you?"  That is not friendship.  I also do not believe that is the Lord's way.  We need connections.  Deep connections.  The way to do that is to make yourself vulnerable, talk about what is actually in your heart, and truly get to know each other.