I have finally taken the first steps: I have started adoption classes. I have had four so far, with many more to go. As well as a proverbial mountain of paperwork. I have found the classes to be mostly interesting so far, and I especially look forward to some at the end of the month called Trauma Based Relational Intervention. I have students at school that I think could be helped by this approach, so I am excited about the personal and professional applications.
What has been most interesting to me is the discovery of some personal truths during my most recent classes. We were talking about communication and attachment, and it occurred to me that it was a very good thing the ex (I like to call him HeWho, in Harry Potter fashion) and I were denied adoption. I have spent a lot of time being resentful toward Georgia DFCS for this denial, as it was the straw that broke my marriage's back. Being inherently logical, I knew it wasn't their fault. The issues existed outside of them. But as anyone who has dealt with them can tell you, they are not the nicest or friendliest people in the world. They were pretty awful to deal with throughout the entire process. Then they killed my dream and marriage in one fell swoop. I still don't like them. If you couldn't tell. But...
They were right.
HeWho had (presumably still has) serious mental health issues. Despite being resentful of DFCS, I have understood the whole time that really the mental health issues are what killed the marriage. After 7 1/2 years of trying, he decided that I was suffering too much and cut me loose. I didn't want to be cut loose, but I wasn't given an option. The deciding factor for him in this decision was the fact that we would not be allowed to adopt. But the truth of it was if we had been approved, it would have been a mistake of epic proportions that would have affected not only us but also incredibly vulnerable children. I now believe he could not have handled parenting traumatized children. Since the divorce, I have gained experience in working with students with some fairly serious behavioral issues, and it has helped me see what challenges we could have faced. It's one thing to learn about it and another thing altogether to experience it. We both felt it was right to pursue adoption, and it was right that we were ultimately denied. It is all part of a bigger plan. I know that. But with the passing of years and these classes, I have come to see that while adoption is MY path, it was not his. And in order to follow this path, a change had to happen.
I believe that the change could have happened as a married couple. He could have followed through on some actions I suggested (begged for), and it is entirely possible we could have worked through it together. As marriage is intended. However, he made the decision he was done, and so our paths diverged in order for me to fulfill my purpose.
Deep thoughts. Maybe next time I'll find something silly and inconsequential to write about. Switch it up a little. :)
