Adoption Month

November is adoption month.  This past summer, I started looking into adoption with real intent while feeling absolutely insane to do so.  My world is full of single mothers.  I see how hard it is (understatement of the year).  I couldn't fathom a time in my life where I would willingly choose to join the ranks.  Then about a year ago, I started having experiences where the topic of adoption kept popping up in the most unexpected ways and places.  Several months after they started, I decided to seriously look into it.  I have wanted to adopt a Deaf child for years, so I started my research with international adoption as adopting Deaf domestically is very difficult as the need isn't as great.  After hours of googling and a few phone calls, I determined that international adoption just isn't my path.  At least not right now.  There are considerable roadblocks.  Some can potentially be overcome but some just can't. So, four years later, I find myself coming back to foster adoption.  This is where I was when the divorce happened, and it feels strange to be here again but as a single woman.

Despite real fears, I had confided my thoughts to family and friends.  I thought I would receive push back.  This is certainly not an easy road, and I was afraid I would be thought insane.  Instead the opposite happened.  I have had so much love and support in this.  It is truly amazing to me.  So armed with the knowledge that while difficult I was anything but alone in this, I decided to go to an informational meeting.

I never made it. 

Shortly after I resolved to go, I had a small breakdown thanks to the various stressors in my life.  Then the next weekend it happened again.  And then I wondered how on earth I could even think about bringing a person into my life that I would be responsible for when I couldn't handle life with just me in it.  If I were to adopt, how could I even allow myself these moments--I wouldn't have a partner to pick up my slack in such moments!  Not to mention the considerable stress that would be added to what I already have in my life.  That was it.  I abandoned all thoughts as simply insane.  Rather than adopt, I would just look for ways to be a greater influence in my students' lives. 

Then yesterday I had to wonderful opportunity to help out a friend with one of her children while my friend is out of town.  It was only for a few hours, but I had such a great time.  I know parenting isn't all fun and games, but it just felt good.  It made me feel like I had such potential as a mother.

And so the thoughts begin again.  Am I crazy?  Should I be locked up in a padded room?  Perhaps.  Right now they are only thoughts coupled with strong desire.  I'm not sure where this going--only time will tell that.  It is not a decision I take lightly.  But maybe, just maybe, this is the Lord's plan for me.